Top Country Streaming Song

“Bottoms Up”

Brantley Gilbert

This song makes me want to put on a tacky suit, buy a Tommy Gun and start moon shining like it’s the 1920s. I’m also going to need a fedora and a pinup blond on my arm because those were prohibition necessities. No one tries to look more Bad A-double crooked letter in their videos than Gilbert. He has beaten guys down in the sticks and now he is Al Capone asking “what’s up.” He will tell you what’s up, and that is anachronisms, mighty morphing and time travel.

It is the ultimate rock/country crossover song that is surely causing the disgruntlement of many a country purist. There’s even a guitar solo to rival Jimmy Page! Too far? You get the idea. Gilbert is a rising star who pays homage to the old-timers but he refuses to be trapped by some false notion that he owes anything to purist nostalgia.

The song is head bangers ball awesome and the video has me planning my next backwoods kegger as I type. So, tip it on back because it’s bottoms up!

 

Hot Rock Songs

“Pompeii”

Bastille

This is rock? What happened to rock music? Did someone steal it? Did the big bad wolf huff and puff and blow it to smithereens leaving us with this pretentious emo gobbledygook? What happened? Was there an apocalypse? An infestation of “Supernatural” demons and instead of turning into Dean Winchester he tucked his tail and ran away? See, told you it was emo.

The video looks like a casual Sunday morning in Bible belt America with its empty streets and businesses, so maybe it’s a religious metaphor. Judging by the lyrics “Oh, oh, where do we begin? The rubble or our sins?” perhaps that’s not far off. Then again, maybe it is asking “how am I gonna be an optimist” about death, dying and taxes. All solid questions as he childishly pounds on the hood of the stolen car he used to run away in. Either way, the city he loves is dead and apparently so is he, which is all very, very tragic and sad.

Is it the “eh-eh-o eh-eh-o” which sounds like a stuttering Canadian trying to say “hello” that makes the song rock? Or is it the videos environmentally conscious stance, because nothing screams rock quite like snow capped mountains, riding your bike and windmills.

How am I going to be an optimist about this being considered a hot rock song? Knowing there is a mute button, that’s how. Eh-eh-o eh-eh-o!

 

Top Heatseeker Song

“Mmm Yeah”

Austin Mahone featuring Pitbull

This song was obviously written by a teenage boy whose gonads haven’t dropped after a viewing of “Pretty Woman.” And good god man, the lyrics belong in a bad comedy routine on the Vegas strip.

“Booty like Kriss Kross, jump jump.” Hey, Pitbull, Kriss Kross were men. What booty you talking about?

“We can do whatever, do whatever we want.” Well, thanks young man for being incredibly vague and indecisive. That is a perfect quality to teach young boys as they try pick up chicks casually walking down the street singing “Do Wah Diddy.”

Then there is this classic as Pitbull rambles “for those that thought we would stop, definitely don’t have a mind to think with, brainless,” as his protégé, little Austin can only say “mmm mmm yeah yeah” to the girl as she passes. Now that Mr. Bull is brainless, and yes, you should stop because you’re embarrassing yourself. If more than two people wrote this song, then holy buckets of manure the world is in trouble.

Then there is the video which has to tell us who we are listening to so you know you’re in for some insecure, mediocre music to be blasted through your speakers. The bald guy I presume is Pitbull, ripping off Eric Church by never taking his sunglasses off and clad in leather pants which the Insane Clown Posse will gladly kick a hole in.

Is that Justin Bieber or his brother or Pitbull’s sober, drug-free version of Bieber? It’s the clone wars! Kid you’re like twelve, you’re not saying “mmm mmm” anything to those women because they’d go to prison for child molestation. There are a lot of white, moon boots, seizure causing strobe lights and awkward dancing.

If I was a 12-year-old girl I’d be screaming my face off and would honestly believe this was the greatest song/singer in the world. Like ever. But I’m an adult with reason and logic; and my hormones stopped ragging years ago, so yeah, this is just awful. I pity you.

Willis Patenaude is a writer for RantLifestyle.com. Follow him on Twitter, “Like” him on Facebook or add him to your network on Google