15 Ancient and Vintage Sex Toys You Have to See to Believe

By Brenna Smith

The very fact that humanity is still around (and facing an over-population crisis) is ample proof our ancestors were sexual beings. Here are 15 photos, from prehistory to vintage, that show what they used when they didn’t have a partner handy. Or in addition to a partner; I’m not judging you, ancient humans.

Brenna Smith is a writer for RantLifestyle.com and RantHollywood.com. Follow her on Twitter @BatBrenna, “like” her on Facebook or add her to your network on Google.

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15 Ancient and Vintage Sex Toys You Have to See to Believe
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15. The World's Oldest Dildo

Credit: pinterest
This 30,000 year old phallus dating to the Ice Age served two purposes: one, the obvious, and two, as flint for lighting fires. It was found in a cave in Germany, and appears to have been discarded by the owner after it broke. I hope they had another one made!

15. The World's Oldest Dildo

This 30,000 year old phallus dating to the Ice Age served two purposes: one, the obvious, and two, as flint for lighting fires. It was found in a cave in Germany, and appears to have been discarded by the owner after it broke. I hope they had another one made!

14. Ancient Roman Double-Ended Dildo

Credit: pinterest
The Roman's are often credited with creating the first double-ended dildos, like this little carved number.

14. Ancient Roman Double-Ended Dildo

The Roman's are often credited with creating the first double-ended dildos, like this little carved number.

13. Ancient Chinese Chastity Cages

Credit: pinterest
Apparently humans have been kinky for awhile too, as can be seen from these Ancient Chinese penis cages. These are the lesser known part of the famous Chinese Terracotta collection.

13. Ancient Chinese Chastity Cages

Apparently humans have been kinky for awhile too, as can be seen from these Ancient Chinese penis cages. These are the lesser known part of the famous Chinese Terracotta collection.

12. Ancient Chinese Decorated Penis Ring

Credit: popculture.knoji.com
In addition to penis cages, they also made elaborate decorative and functional penis rings. Some were just pretty, like this one, while others were ribbed for her pleasure.

12. Ancient Chinese Decorated Penis Ring

In addition to penis cages, they also made elaborate decorative and functional penis rings. Some were just pretty, like this one, while others were ribbed for her pleasure.

11. Prehistoric Pierced and Tattooed Dildos

Prehistoric Pierced and Tattooed Dildos Credit: pinterest
This collection of European phalli dating to around 12,000 BCE not only showcase preferences for different sizes, but the different ways in which men would decorate their penises. Tattoos, piercings and scarification can be seen on a couple of these.

11. Prehistoric Pierced and Tattooed Dildos

This collection of European phalli dating to around 12,000 BCE not only showcase preferences for different sizes, but the different ways in which men would decorate their penises. Tattoos, piercings and scarification can be seen on a couple of these.

10. Leather and Wood Dildo from the 1700s

Credit: pinterest
It's grimy in the picture because it was just found in a latrine pit in Gdansk, Poland, but archaeologists say it was quite the expensive piece when it was new, made from high end leather filled with bristles, with a wooden tip. Some poor Polish person 250 years ago dropped it in the toilet (they were probably using it), where it was perfectly preserved.

10. Leather and Wood Dildo from the 1700s

It's grimy in the picture because it was just found in a latrine pit in Gdansk, Poland, but archaeologists say it was quite the expensive piece when it was new, made from high end leather filled with bristles, with a wooden tip. Some poor Polish person 250 years ago dropped it in the toilet (they were probably using it), where it was perfectly preserved.

9. Macaura's Pulsocon Blood Circulator

Credit: antiquevibratormuseum.com
Now we're getting into the "vintage" era, where the plain old boring dildo was replaced with things that buzz and heat up and probably caused grievous injury. Like this hand-cranked "Pulsocon" device.

9. Macaura's Pulsocon Blood Circulator

Now we're getting into the "vintage" era, where the plain old boring dildo was replaced with things that buzz and heat up and probably caused grievous injury. Like this hand-cranked "Pulsocon" device.

8. Steam-Powered Dildo

Steam-Powered Dildo Credit: pinterest
This steam-powered dildo was rejected by the U.S. Patent Office in 1891. This guy obviously didn't know the trick to selling sex toys in that period: sell it as a "back massager."

8. Steam-Powered Dildo

This steam-powered dildo was rejected by the U.S. Patent Office in 1891. This guy obviously didn't know the trick to selling sex toys in that period: sell it as a "back massager."

7. Stimulating Electric Belt

Credit: pinterest
I would normally buy the whole "stimulating electricity" for back pain thing, if not for that little electrified piece that hangs down the front, in what appears to be designs for both men and women.

7. Stimulating Electric Belt

I would normally buy the whole "stimulating electricity" for back pain thing, if not for that little electrified piece that hangs down the front, in what appears to be designs for both men and women.

6. Early Sex Doll

Credit: pinterest
I mean, it says she's for parties, but we all know the only party she's getting invited to is the pants party. Also, $70 was a heap of money in those days.

6. Early Sex Doll

I mean, it says she's for parties, but we all know the only party she's getting invited to is the pants party. Also, $70 was a heap of money in those days.

5. Dr. Johansen's Auto Vibrator

Credit: antiquevibratormuseum.com
Here's another one of those hand-crank vibrators, but this one came with all sorts of fun (terrifying looking) attachments!

5. Dr. Johansen's Auto Vibrator

Here's another one of those hand-crank vibrators, but this one came with all sorts of fun (terrifying looking) attachments!

4. Stim-U-Lax Junior

Credit: antiquevibratormuseum.com
If that's "Junior," I'd hate to see the Stim-U-Lax Senior. Apparently you strap it to the back of your hand, it makes your hand vibrate, and then you rub your, erm, "neck."

4. Stim-U-Lax Junior

If that's "Junior," I'd hate to see the Stim-U-Lax Senior. Apparently you strap it to the back of your hand, it makes your hand vibrate, and then you rub your, erm, "neck."

3. Foot Vibrator

Credit: etsy.com/shop/vintagecathouse
I'm hoping you're reading all the body parts in quotes, because back, foot or face, we all know what these were really used for. Like this one. This one looks like it was every lady's favorite seat. Not for her feet.

3. Foot Vibrator

I'm hoping you're reading all the body parts in quotes, because back, foot or face, we all know what these were really used for. Like this one. This one looks like it was every lady's favorite seat. Not for her feet.

2. Rex-Ray Massage Pillow

Credit: etsy.com/shop/realsimpledeals
Yeah, you massage those tired muscles. Also, I can't help but wonder how freaking loud all of these early vibrating toys were. Modern sex toys aren't very quiet, so I can't imagine vintage ones were any subtler.

2. Rex-Ray Massage Pillow

Yeah, you massage those tired muscles. Also, I can't help but wonder how freaking loud all of these early vibrating toys were. Modern sex toys aren't very quiet, so I can't imagine vintage ones were any subtler.

1. Penetrating Heat Massager

Credit: etsy.com/shop/cheekybirdy
Yeah, I bet that soothing, relaxing, easy-to-use heat massager is penetrating.

1. Penetrating Heat Massager

Yeah, I bet that soothing, relaxing, easy-to-use heat massager is penetrating.

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